No Light Without Shadow
by AnEnduringHope
Summary: "Even if she be not harmed, her heart may fail her in so much and so many horrors; and hereafter she may suffer-both in waking, from her nerves, and in sleep, from her dreams." - Bram Stoker - Nightmares and fallout from Season 3B.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Pretty Little Liars, I just like filling in some of the blank spaces they leave us.**

**(Fairly graphic description of an anxiety attack below. If that could be a trigger for you, please read with caution!)**

* * *

_They've promised that dreams can come true, but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams, too._

_Oscar Wilde_

* * *

Spencer was bleeding out right where she lay on the forest floor. Through the cloudy haze that blurred her vision, she could see the pool of blood soaking the ground beneath her prone form. Her lungs filled, making it impossible to breathe. She was drowning in her own blood and she couldn't find it in herself to care. Why should she? What did she have to fight for now? She had nothing left. No more will to fight. She was done.

She glanced down again and her feet were flying across the forest floor, running as if for her very life. She was still covered in blood but it wasn't hers this time. It was Toby's. His broken body was just ahead of her, lifeless eyes staring up at the dark sky. She ran toward him, frantic to help him, to ensure he wasn't actually dead as he appeared to be… even though she knew in her heart that there was nothing she could do for him. He was already gone. But no matter how fast she ran, she could never get any closer. He was always just outside her reach.

Her feet stumbled and she pitched forward, her knees hitting the ground hard. Sharp branches pierced her palms. She glanced up at the sudden flash of lightning, and Toby was standing over her, his face partially obscured by the dark hood pulled over his head. Spencer's blood ran cold, horror racing through her. His eyes were as cold as the ice that suddenly coursed through her veins. Nothing he could do to her physically could compare to the pain of seeing those beautiful blue eyes, always before so tender and warm, turned on her with such hatred and contempt. His gloved hand reached for her, and she flinched away, panic flooding every cell of her being. But there was nowhere to go.

Tears streamed down her face, hysterical sobs gripping her chest as she fought to speak his name. But it was useless. She couldn't breathe, much less plead with the man she'd so resolutely believed had loved her. Spencer fought for even a single breath, gasped frantically for air. But there was no relief. Her chest constricted in agony, lungs burning.

A scream burst from her lips, but it made no sound. She was trapped. There was no way out. No escape from the torment.

Spencer jerked awake, her lungs still screaming for air. Her body was drenched in sweat. Frantic eyes swept over her surroundings. She wasn't in the woods. But she wasn't in her bedroom either. It took much longer than it should have for her to recognize the foreign room. The loft. She was at the loft. The pieces slowly came together in her mind. Toby lay beside her, his expression perfectly smooth and serene in peaceful sleep. His arms lay loosely around her, even in unconsciousness holding her close.

He was fine. They were both fine.

Her body couldn't seem to catch up to that fact, though. From head to toe she trembled as if unseen hands shook her hard enough to rattle her teeth. Her heart pounded furiously in her chest, so hard she feared it might actually burst inside her. She could no more take a substantial breath than if someone were holding her head under water.

Spencer knew it was only an anxiety attack, and it certainly wasn't the first she'd had. But knowing what it was didn't make it any easier to bring it under control.

Beside her, Toby stirred, sensing her distress. "Spence?" he called, still mostly asleep.

A strangled cry was her only response. No matter how hard she fought, she couldn't so much as take in oxygen, much less make her mouth form words. That feeling of helplessness only made her situation worse.

"Hey," he crooned to her, coming quickly awake at seeing her in such a state. "Spencer, shhh." He wrapped his arms tightly around her. "I've got you. It's okay, I promise. Just breathe." He rolled onto his side, spreading one hand over her back and pressing her chest firmly against his. "Breathe," he coaxed her softly, taking a deep breath himself so she could feel his chest moving against hers.

Spencer concentrated with all her might on matching the rate of her breathing to his. It was a lot harder than it should have been to do something so simple. Spots of light danced around the edges of her vision as she continued to hyperventilate. Tremors still shook the entire length of her body. Tears leaked from her eyes, streaming unchecked down her cheeks. The sounds of hysteria coming from her mouth mortified her. They were neither sobs, screams or gasps but somehow a combination of all three.

Toby continued his attempts to soothe her. She couldn't even begin to process what he said, but the words themselves didn't matter so much. The sound of his voice was comforting against her ear. She could feel the love in his voice just as tangibly as she felt his tender kisses against her hair and her face.

She hated to wake Toby. She knew it hurt him to see her like this, knew it broke his heart to witness the damage their time apart had done. No matter how deeply he'd hurt her, she still couldn't stand to cause him pain. But she needed him, needed to know that he was there and that he loved her. That she wasn't alone.

Spencer squeezed her eyes tightly shut and pressed her face into Toby's shoulder, burrowing closer into his protective embrace. Eventually she could take a breath without feeling that her lungs were going to burst.

"That's it," he whispered when he felt her finally beginning to calm down. "Deep breaths." He breathed with her, and this time she could actually match the movements of her chest to his, even if her shoulders did shudder mid-inhale. "Are you all right?" Toby asked much later.

"I think so…" Spencer mumbled. She was exhausted. The panic attack had taken a very thorough toll on her body. Her limbs felt like they'd taken on the consistency of water; she was certain they wouldn't support her if she was foolish enough to try to stand. She'd surely end up on her face. Her brain was still sluggish. Everything around her felt surreal, like she was there but not really _there _at all. Like she was observing everything from outside her own body. Or like she herself wasn't even real. It was a strange, unnerving feeling. Her arms clung to Toby, using him as her anchor to reality.

"You really scared me," he admitted, running a gentle hand over her hair, brushing it back from her tear-streaked face. "I was starting to wonder if I should take you to the hospital when you couldn't breathe."

She shook her head. "It just… had to pass…"

"Still…" he sighed deeply. "I hate seeing you like that and not being able to do anything to help."

"You did help," she assured him, her voice almost too weak to even be considered a whisper. "Just by being there." She snuggled into him, letting the warmth of his body continue to calm her. "I'm sor…" she attempted to say after a while, still feeling guilty for waking him so abruptly in the middle of the night.

His finger at her lips cut her off. It was replaced a heartbeat later by his lips. "Don't apologize, Spencer. Please." He kissed her lightly again. "Try to sleep," his voice urged quietly.

She hesitated, fearful that if she fell asleep again she'd just end up trapped in the same nightmare that woke her in the first place. Her body screamed for sleep, but her mind clung to wakefulness in an effort to protect itself.

"I'll wake you up if you start to have the dreams again."

"Promise?"

He nuzzled his nose affectionately against hers. "I promise."

"Okay," she conceded, knowing that she was already succumbing to sleep anyway. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Always." He was speaking the truth, she could hear the sincerity in his voice.

Spencer gave in to the exhaustion that seeped all the way to her bones. She fell asleep with his arms holding her, his fingers playing in the long strands of her hair, and his warmth surrounding her. And the nightmares left her in peace.


	2. Chapter 2

_Life is a nightmare that prevents one from sleeping._

_Oscar Wilde_

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Long, dark hair fanned out over Toby's chest, spilling onto his pillow. Spencer was sound asleep, her head resting over his heart. Her chest rose and fell in the slow, even cadence of deep sleep. It amazed him that after everything she could still curl up so trustingly in his arms and sleep. She was at her most vulnerable, completely defenseless with him, and she didn't seem to think anything of it. He knew he didn't deserve that level of trust. Not after what he'd done.

As peacefully as Spencer rested, sleep had eluded Toby all night. He glanced at the clock again. 2:57 AM. Just ten minutes later than the last time he'd looked. He wasn't overly bothered by the sleepless night, though. He was content enough to lay beside his girl, holding her while she slept and playing with the soft strands of her hair, twirling them around his finger over and over. He wasn't going to take for granted the fact that she was there… in his apartment… in his bed… in his arms. He would certainly never take it for granted that she was there willingly. Because she still wanted to be with him.

He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that she'd forgiven him so completely. For everything. That she could love him so much to still choose to be with him after all he'd put her through – no matter how good his intentions had been – blew him away. There had been so many nights he'd lain awake, eaten alive with guilt, wondering what in the world he'd do when Spencer found out… because he knew she _would_ eventually find out. It was unavoidable. In his wildest dreams, he'd never imagined it would end with her still in his arms. That was far more than he'd dared to hope for.

Guilt still gnawed away at his immense relief, though. Spencer might have forgiven him, but that didn't mean he'd forgiven himself. He'd _hurt_ her. And that was something he'd promised himself he'd never do. He knew he hadn't seen the worst of it, but what he did know was terrible enough.

She'd had a mental breakdown. His Spencer. One of the strongest people he knew, both mentally and emotionally. And she'd broken… enough to need time in a psychiatric hospital. And _he'd_ done that to her. Not only had he not been there for her when she needed support the most, but he'd been the one to push her over the edge. He hated himself for that.

The effects of the last several weeks were marked on her body. With her face washed free of make-up, he could see the dark circles that remained under her eyes. Evidence of the sleepless weeks he'd caused her. Her cheekbones stood out in stark relief, cheeks sunken in. The bones of her hips were far more prominent than they'd been before. Her ribs too. She'd lost weight – weight that she truly couldn't afford to lose in the first place.

He'd meant to keep her from getting hurt again. Not only had he failed miserably, he'd hurt her worse than anyone. She'd trusted him and he'd almost destroyed her. That was something he'd carry with him for the rest of his life.

There was nothing he could ever do to erase the damage he'd done, he knew that. But damned if he wasn't going to spend every single day for the rest of his life trying… for as long as she'd let him stay in her life. There was still a part of him that was afraid she'd suddenly realize the enormity of everything he'd done and decide that she'd been much too quick to forgive him. He was still afraid she'd decide that he wasn't worth everything he'd put her through after all.

And he knew if that happened, he'd have no choice but to let her go. He'd been well aware from the start that was a possibility. It was a risk he took the first time he'd sought out Mona. He knew losing her would devastate him, but it would be nothing less than what he deserved.

Guilt and fear weren't the only things that kept him awake. Worry was very close behind them. There was so much for him to worry about, now more than ever before.

He worried about how he was going to keep Spencer safe. He'd been concerned enough before, but now that she was playing the double agent too, his anxiety multiplied. He worried about keeping the true nature of his feelings for her under Mona's radar. If she knew his intentions, things would all go south very quickly. He worried about how they were going to end this now that their initial plan to trap Red Coat had failed. He wracked his brain, but he kept coming up empty. He was out of ideas and feeling more and more helpless all the time.

A sudden whimper from beside him snapped him out of his troubled thoughts. He glanced down at Spencer, instinctively drawing her sleeping form closer to protect her from the unseen threat. These weren't the whimpers that he liked, the little sounds she made when he touched her. These sounds were distinctly distressed. Her limbs tensed, her body stiffened as if to flee even in sleep. He felt the warm wetness of the two small tears that fell from her eyes and landed on his chest.

A sharp pain pierced Toby's heart, seeing her in the grips of a nightmare. In the dim light of the loft, he could see tears gathering on her long lashes. Gently he brushed the hair away from her face with the backs of his fingers.

"Spence," he whispered against her temple. "Spencer, it's okay," he soothed as she continued to grow more agitated, whimpers turning to quiet, agonizing sobs and piteous mumblings. Most of it was unintelligible, but the one word he did manage to catch was his name.

Spencer called his name… and called it again… anguish coating her voice.

He was the reason for her nightmare. That broke his heart all over again. His stomach churned with self-loathing. "Hey," he called, renewing his efforts to wake her and pull her from the midst of whatever nightmare held her captive. "Come on, Spence, wake up."

Her body jolted against his as she jerked awake with a sharp gasp. "It's okay," he crooned, cupping her cheek in his hand and brushing her tears away with the pad of his thumb. "You're okay now."

Soft brown eyes blinked up at him in confusion, her sleep addled brain still struggling to separate nightmare from reality. "Toby?" she called his name in a voice thick from sleep and tears. Anguish was replaced with uncertainty, as if she doubted that he was real, that she hadn't leapt from one nightmare straight into another.

"I'm here," he reassured her, finding her lips with his to brush the gentlest of kisses there. "You were dreaming."

Her breath hitched in a shaky little sob, her face burrowing into his chest, seeking comfort which he was only too happy to give. He just lay there holding her closely while her breathing returned to normal. "Are you all right?" he asked when she'd calmed down. She nodded, her hair tickling against his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was cautious. He didn't want to upset her again, and, quite frankly, he wasn't sure he could handle knowing what terrible things he'd done that she was reliving in her nightmares.

She shook her head. "No, I'm all right now. Really. Can't you sleep?" she asked after a minute, the fingers of her left hand tracing over his collarbone. He shook his head in wordless reply. "Was I keeping you awake?"

"No," he said a little too quickly. He didn't want to do anything to discourage her nightly visits. He liked having her there. Maybe more than was good for him. He loved falling asleep with her warmth curled up against him. Loved waking up to find their bodies tangled together in the mornings, fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle. He was growing very spoiled being able to kiss her last thing every night and first thing each morning. And at least if she was with him he knew she was safe. He didn't have to wonder.

Spencer smiled at the swiftness of his response.

"I've just got a lot on my mind," he admitted, running his fingers over the length of her back.

"Anything you want to talk about?" She tucked her hand under her cheek, tilting her face back to gaze up at him. "I've been told I'm a very good listener."

"It's nothing," he assured her. "Nothing new at least," he amended when she raised one eyebrow skeptically at him. They'd promised not to lie to each other anymore, and that particular lie was pointless anyway. She always knew when something was bothering him.

"You sure?"

He smiled, nuzzling his nose affectionately against hers. "Very sure."

"Okay." Toby felt her soft kiss against his throat. A moment later, he felt another on his chin… and then on the corner of his mouth before her lips found his. He leaned into her kiss, his fingers curling automatically around the back of her neck to bring her in closer. It didn't take long for soft, tender kisses to grow seeking as a hunger was ignited within them. Spencer slanted her mouth over his, deepening their connection. Breaths came shallower, faster. Heartbeats raced, sending a surge of warmth rushing through their veins.

"Well, as long as we're both awake… we might as well make the most of it," Spencer whispered, her lips turning upwards in an impish smile even as they lingered against his.

"You have to be up for school in just a few hours," he attempted to be the voice of reason. His hands had other ideas, however, traitorous fingers tracing a path down to the swell of her hips.

The heat of her exploring mouth wandered down over his neck, lower to his chest. She knew full well that his protest was merely a formality. His body's swift, instinctive reaction to her advances was a dead give-away. When had he ever been able to resist her anyway?

"Some things are definitely worth sacrificing a little sleep for," she murmured seductively. Her body draped over his, her endless legs on either side of his hips, and he was too far gone to even pretend to protest. He wanted her. _Desperately_. And by some miracle, she still wanted him. He was only too happy to let her take control, take from him what she wanted. He gave her everything. Held nothing in reserve.

Toby's heart swelled and clenched in his chest. God, he loved her. He could only hope she could feel that when he touched her, when he took her body and gave her his in return. He could only hope she truly knew just how deeply, how _intensely_ he loved her, because he didn't have the words to tell her.

He loved her heart, her compassion. He loved her intelligence, her focus and her drive. He even loved her competitiveness, her single-minded intensity. He loved her smile, the way her eyes lit up when she laughed. He loved the sound of her voice. Loved the sounds she made when he touched her, her breathless cries and husky moans when he laid claim to the parts of her body that only he had ever known. He loved the way she felt like silk under his hands, the soft curtain of her hair brushing over his skin. He loved the way her body moved so sinuously against him, straining and striving to bring him as close as was humanly possible. He loved watching her face when she finally surrendered to the all-consuming pleasure they created together.

She was his. Only his.

And he was hers. Always and forever only hers.

Later, Spencer sighed contentedly into the curve of his shoulder. He could feel her smiling, all traces of tears long gone.

"Think you can go back to sleep now?" he asked softly, playing with the long fingers that rested over his heartbeat.

"Mmhmm," she murmured drowsily, pressing a tender kiss to the pulse point in his neck. "You wore me out." He could hear the teasing smile in her voice.

Toby snorted, feeling exhaustion finally settle over his limbs. He reached down, keeping one arm firmly around Spencer's slender waist, and pulled the rumpled sheets back up to cover them. She yawned widely into his shoulder. He tucked the blanket closely around her and brushed his lips over hers, still red and swollen from their fevered kisses.

"I love you so much." The words were incredibly weak compared to what he felt, but they were all he had.

Simple though they were, the words seemed make her happy. She smiled even as she was drifting off again. "I love you, too."

Toby could tell the exact moment when sleep claimed her. Her body went lax against his, her expression perfectly serene, a smile still lingering on her lips. He lay there and let the slow rhythm of her breathing relax him. It didn't take long before he surrendered too, drifting off, content with Spencer safe and secure in his arms.


End file.
